thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
