just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
