She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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