My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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