you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
