so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
