Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
