you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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