I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Boobs speak an international language.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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