Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
