Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
