Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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