theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
