I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
