I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You need Xanax blowdarts
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
