i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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