I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
