my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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