Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
