Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
