Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
