i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I would fuck him just for his dog
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
