Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
