I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
