if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
