you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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