It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
