Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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