What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
