everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
