I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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