Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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