And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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