I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize