my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
