If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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