I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
