I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
