I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize