What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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