At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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