does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
