I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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