a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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