the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
