can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
