I think I died a long time ago.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
