my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
