just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
