you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
