I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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