whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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