When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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