Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
