I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
