Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
