I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
