At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize